Big Ol' Bunch of Blah!

Thursday, June 16th 2011
Blah! I don't know if, BLAH, is a real word but it sure does describe a lot for me right now. I feel BLAH, I look BLAH and well you know - blah, blah, blah! It's a terribly dreary, rainy day and my mood suits the weather well. I have felt anxious and depressed most of the day - funny, my last blog post bragged about being panic free. I must have jinxed myself. I can't say that I've had a panic attack just a lot of anxiety. I know what set it off too. I woke up to the phone ringing this morning and I went to reach for it and kind of pulled a muscle in my chest/shoulder area. Nothing serious just an, "Ouch, I moved wrong!" kind of thing - then that sent my mind reeling convinced I was having a heart attack. It's one of those times where logic says, I'm not but my head says OH MY GOD YOU'RE DYING!!. Of course, instead of listening to logic, I listen to my head.

It's thundering now - nothing major, just some rumbles. I have to admit I have come to enjoy thunderstorms more this year than ever. Living in a building with a generator is nice! :) S texted me this morning to let me know her Dr's appointment was yesterday instead of today and missed it - she rescheduled for next week. Still praying things go well for her. After waking up and feeling anxious I didn't exercise like I had planned - I was afraid and let that fear dictate my actions. Instead I just laid in bed and stared out the window. Waiting. BLAH!! Finally around 1pm I decided enough was enough - I got up and fixed a turkey sandwich, my first meal of the day. When I get anxious I tend to not eat then when the anxiety passes I am starving and ready to eat everything in sight - not good. I ate and then did my 25 squats. I do them the way I saw the man on Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition do them. He starts in a sitting position on a chair and then stands and sits without using his hands to help. I get to 10 then start getting winded - but you really can feel the "burn" in your legs after just 25. I really hope all these little exercises will help me get stronger. I have decided to add 2 minutes to the marching and 10 to the squats for next week. I have to admit, I am losing motivation to exercise. My body isn't enjoying it and well, I don't like it either. BUT...I'm not going to reach my goals by just sitting here wishing things would change. The only way to change is to get up and make the changes. No one said this was going to be easy but it sure is worth it. When I feel the sand between my toes and the sun on my face and smell the ocean water - I won't every doubt if it was worth it. I'll KNOW!!

So I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition this week and WOW, how inspiring. That guy looked great. I loved the part when he was on the floor, sweating profusly saying he couldn't do it and was going to vomit - the trainer, Chris got in his face and was telling him he could do it and to not give up. He got him a waste basket and told him to go ahead and vomit and keep moving! I really need someone like that in my life. During the course of the show the guy confided that he had been sexually abused as a child and had began turning to food to cope. I started thinking about my past and how similar it was to this mans. I was physically and sexually abused by my Father from as early as I can remember until about 6 months before my parents divorced when I was 12. The physical abuse started much later probably around the age of  8 or 9 - about the time when I started fighting back and became resistant to the sexual abuse. Let me clarify, I was never ok with the sexual abuse, I didn't like it but being so young and scared I didn't know what would happen if I did fight back. When I did begin fighting back I would get hit and slapped - once I got kicked in the back, down a flight of stairs while he was wearing steel toed boots. I don't remember the actual fall but I do remember laying at the bottom of the basement stairs unable to move. My Mom wasn't at home at the time and my Dad told me if I didn't get up and "act right" by the time my Mom got home, he'd kill her. Naturally I was scared thinking he actually would do it so I got up and went along with the story of - I was climbing a tree in the neighbors yard and fell out, landing on my back. I remember after the abuse which usually took place at my Grandparents house, my Dad would always take me to a fast food restaurant to get me  to stop crying or to just shut up. I remember many times at school dreading the end of the day and having to go home. At lunch I would eat my normal serving of food then stay in the cafeteria at recess and eat an extra helping or two almost everyday. The lunch lady and I became pals and she would feed me well. Food very quickly turned into a comfort for me.  Even after the abuse ended and my Dad was no longer a part of my life I continued to drown my confused feelings in food. Even today, now - when I think about the past, I feel my hunger creeping in. I know it's not the actual food I crave but the comfort it gave me.

Talking about the past is scary. Not many people know about the abuse. Everyone always thought of my Dad as a good guy. Even to this day just this past weekend as a matter of fact, I got a message on Facebook from someone I went to school with who knows my Dad and his current wife/family. She was letting me know my Dad had broken his hip and was in the hospital - the words she used we're almost as if she was trying to shame me for not speaking to him in 20 some years but I'm sure she doesn't know the reasons behind it - I can guarantee he didn't tell anyone and I didn't feel as if it was any of her business, so I didn't either. I thanked her for letting me know and told her I hope things went well for him then left it at that.  It didn't effect me one way or another - I was surprised at my lack of emotion towards it. A couple of years ago I'd have been truly upset by not only hearing his name but by having to think about him. Now, I feel nothing. I try to be a good Christian and in trying, I do not wish ill well on anyone - even him. I guess that's progress, right? Not sure.

The storm is over but the sky is dark and looks like more rain/thunder is on the way. I am going to dig through the kitchen and see what I can throw together for dinner. Tonight is movie night, I hope it won't be another stinker like Super 8 turned out to be. Blah! :) Stay tuned...