More Tuesday Ramblings!

I was just sitting here reading some articles about addiction. Some "professionals" say addiction is hereditary while others feel it isn't. Personally, I think it is hereditary. My Grandfather was an alcoholic and gambler - his gambling addiction was betting on the greyhounds at our local track. I can remember more than once him coming to our home with a pocketful of money, passing out $100's like they were dollar bills. I also remember times when he'd come asking for money to buy food or to pay a bill - after losing every penny he had. Other times he would show up drunk, swearing he hadn't touched a drop of alcohol. Later we would find empty vodka or beer bottles in the driveway where he was parked. He had his license revoked twice for DWI or DUI, I don't remember which one - but it was only by the sheer grace of God he didn't kill someone or himself, driving drunk. My Grandparent's divorced when my Mom was only 2 years old - his drinking started way back then after he left the Army. My Mom grew up dealing with his alcoholic rants when he did show up to visit. I think that's why she had no tolerance for alcohol - she never had a drop until she was in her 50's and then it was a small sip of a wine cooler after we begged her to just try it. I can't say that I blame her - I can't imagine growing up with an alcoholic parent - I grew up with an abusive Father but that's a different story, for another day. I never thought about how much that must have influenced my Mom and perhaps part of the reason she herself, turned to food for comfort. My Mom struggled with weight her entire life, losing over 100 pounds two different times only to gain it all back. Growing up I never knew my Mom had an addiction to food - I don't think she even realized it either. I think we just thought, we liked to eat. Now that I know about addiction and binge eating, while I can't say for sure my Mom was a food addict, in my opinion she was. As am I. Food gives me comfort in the moment - sure afterwards there are feelings of guilt, anger, and shame about the food I ate and the reasons I ate it - but in the moment while I am eating, I feel soothed and like, everything is going to be okay. The guilt, shame and anger kick in and lasts for what seems like forever. That generally leads to eating more and again to stuff down those feelings. It's a vicious cycle that when I am participating in them, can last for literally days at a time.

I haven't binged in 3 months now. I think about it and how it would take all the panicked feelings away - if only for a few minutes but then I would have to deal with the anger, guilt and shame again. Honestly, at this point in my life - I am tired, too tired to deal with those emotions along with all the other feelings I'm sorting through. I'll always WANT to use food for comfort but it's just not worth it anymore. Food, an excess of it, has become more of a pain than a comfort to me now. I don't know where I was going with this post. I just started typing and this is where I ended up! Just ramblings of a food addict. More later. Until then....