Oh what a day! I woke up at 8am feeling pretty good, no anxiety although a little tired after not falling asleep until after 4am. I decided to feed the cat then lay back down for a bit. Big mistake! When I woke up again at 10am I could feel the anxiety creeping in - before long it surpassed creeping and hit me head on like a ton of bricks. I'm not sure what set my anxiety off this morning, maybe my messed up sleep schedule? Who know - all I do know is, it SUCKED!! I spent most of the day (until 5pm) battling the anxiety, trying to keep myself from totally melting down. I was sure I was going to have a heart attack at any moment, although I had no symptoms of one - just anxiety. I did manage to clean the bathroom and do dishes in between attacks. I did make breakfast around 10:30am right after waking up - I managed to eat half then got to sick to eat the rest. I hadn't heard from the home health nurse and Wednesday was usually her day to visit so, around 4:30 I called her. She told me that because there was nothing physically wrong with me, I was not being admitted as their patient and she wouldn't be coming back - which also means....no physical therapy. I was so frustrated, I thanked her for letting me know and apologized for bothering her then hung up. I realize there is nothing wrong with me physically except unexplained neuropathy in my feet/toes which seems to have moved to my pinky finger now - but why would the Dr even bother sending them in the first place then? I tried to get ahold of the Dr yesterday - I think I talked about that fiasco. I am upset about the whole situation and at the time was hysterically crying. I called my cousin L in tears. I told her about how my day was going and the whole situation. Funny thing happened - after I had been crying for a few minutes and then listened to her voice of reason, I was completely fine. Every ounce of panic I had been feeling the entire day was gone. My stomach stopped hurting and my apprehension about the unknown was gone. AMAZING!! I have never experienced a panic attack just end so fast, ever. Thank you, God!
Anyhow - I spent a while sulking wondering what I was going to do now? All my plans and hopes for the future had started with physical therapy to help me be more mobile. Now that wasn't going to happen. I won't lie, I spent way too long feeling sorry for myself. But then something my Mom always said (and others) popped into my head. "God helps those who help themselves!" I've come a long way already - too far to just sit down and let this journey end before it really begins. Yes, I still need and want professional physical therapy and I will continue working on getting it but for now - I can start helping myself. I can either stay stuck or start fighting for what I want. For my dreams. For my goals - and most importantly to me, for what my Mom always wanted for me. I'm going to Google physical therapy exercises, simple ones - nothing too complex to start. Just something to get me moving. I will post my goals for tomorrow later this evening once I have done a bit of research. I just wanted to make a quick post about the miracles God works. Things aren't going the way Jennifer planned but things are going the way God planned. Sure, it would have been easier to have PT start right away but for some reason (that only God knows) life happens. You can take many different paths on a journey and still end in the same place - sure, it might take a little longer to get there but who cares. As long as you get there! :)
More soon! Until then...
You have such a fantastic attitude about all of this. It personally pisses me off that the nurses deem you as having nothing physically wrong with you. I think when you lose your ability to be mobile and have to build up some endurance from years of bed rest due to an illness, that constitutes as a physical ailment! That being said, I guess God just wants you to take matters into your own hands. :) And He wouldn't put you in this situation unless you could overcome it with flying colors. I'm rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Chloe!! I agree...I mean,I understand where they are coming from I also think that like you said, having limited mobility should be considered criteria for receiving help. I told the nurse I wasn't looking this to be a permanent situation, I was looking for help reaching my goals. But yes, God has other plans. I think this has made me more determined than ever. Perhaps when I get to my goals or God's goals I can help change that criteria and help others in similar situations. That would be awesome!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being here and supporting me. It means so much to me!! Huugs!!