Monday, August 22, 2011

HOLY COW...I haven't done this in forever!

Bowl of yummy Watermelon & 32oz Water @ 8am!
So much for daily journaling, eh? Ooops! Well at least I can say my absence wasn't because I "fell off the wagon". I am actually doing REALLY well. YAY me! I just got lazy and stopped posting. But I am going to make an effort to start again. More specifically I am going to make an attempt to post pictures of what I'm eating - to hold myself accountable! I do video vlogging of my daily food once a month for a week but would like to make it a more regular thing. Posting a picture seems easier than videoing and then editing that video every single day. Soooo waalaa, here I am! Of course I will be posting other stuff - ranting, raving ect. A lot has happened since I posted last so I have lots to journal about - but for now, here is what I am starting my morning with. A bowl of watermelon - approximately 50 calories and 32oz water! I have been starting my mornings with fruit and water followed by my main breakfast an hour or two later. It seems to be working for me - for now!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Emotional Hunger!

Saturday, June 18th 2011

I missed writing yesterday - I intended to do it a few times then got distracted and just neglected to. Shame on me! Friday was a good day. My cousin did my grocery shopping and well, the compulsive overeater (lil fatty) in me always feels more calm when I know there is enough food in the cupboards. It's funny because I was in no way out of food - I was just out of my usual food that I like to eat everyday.  My cousin brought another cousin and her two small children with  her to visit. I had to admit, being around small children sometimes makes me feel self conscious. Kids are so honest sometimes and I guess that's where the saying, "Out of the mouths of babes!" came from - I'm always waiting for them to ask why I'm so fat or some question that will make me want to crawl into a shell of embarrassment. I haven't seen these two young cousins in years, literally. They are 9 and 7. I have talked to them on the phone and they've seen pictures of me but not in person since the 9 year old was about 3 or 4. I was so shocked at how sweet and loving they were towards me. I wasn't prepared when the 9 year old - a boy, hugged and kissed me hello. They both gave me a hug and kiss goodbye as well. They are very well mannered little kids. It was nice visiting with them.

While my cousin, L was here she gave me a huge compliment. She walked in and said OMG LOOK AT YOU!! I hadn't seen her for about a month (the last time she brought me groceries) and according to her the weight I've lost in that month is extremely noticeable. I can't lie, that felt AWESOME to hear. I can tell the saggy skin on my stomach and  even my face seems smaller but it makes it feel even more real to hear from someone else. Now here is where the strangeness comes in at. I am scared to death!! I'm afraid of losing weight, of being 'normal'. I have spent so many years being big and hiding from the world that now that I am losing weight and will soon be able to do things like the average person - I am terrified. People will expect things from me, I won't be 'Jennifer the girl that's too fat to work' or 'Jennifer the girl that can't go to family functions because she's too fat'. What if I fail? What if I'm not good enough? Smart enough? Or just ...... enough? All these fears played on my mind all day Friday and all day Saturday. I wrestled with emotional (head) hunger all day along and YES, I over ate. This is the part of my journey I hate admitting to but if I didn't - it wouldn't be a true blog of my ups and downs through this journey of finding myself. So without further ado, here is what I ate today. It started out good then went down hill by 4pm.

Breakfast - Hungry Girl Smores Oatmeal
Lunch - 3 Turkey Hot Dogs (plain), 1c FF Cottage Cheese w/ blueberries, strawberries, a peach and blackberries (pictured above).
Dinner: Waffle Dip (2 waffles, 1/4c egg omelet,  1 slice ff cheese, 2 turkey sausage links), 1/4c SF  Syrup, 2 extra Turkey Sausage Links, 4 Chocolate Chips Cookies (90 calories per cookie!!! ACK!)
After Dinner - 3 Slices of Wheat Bread Toast w/ butter and SF Strawberry Jam, 2 String Cheese and a Fiber One Bar
11pm 'Snack': Hungry Girl SMores Oatmeal
For a grand total of.... 2,450 calories! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am SO embarrassed to have to admit that. Yes, it could have been WAY worse. Back in the day I'd eat whole pizzas and 2 liters of soda without blinking an eye. But today, this is horrifying to me. I had planned on just not admitting it but what is that going to do? I ate it - it's not like not talking about it will make the calories roll back. My head screamed hunger all day - even when I ate the 'after dinner' meal about 30 minutes after my dinner. My stomach was full, I felt the fullness yet still pushed more food in my mouth in an attempt to shut my brain up. I didn't work and even as I lay here now, physically full my head is ticking, wondering what else I can eat. I refuse to eat any more thought. DAMMIT!! I hate times like this. I know its the stress that is making me feel hungry, I know it all too well. I wish I could just deal with life normally and not want to eat my face off over everything, big and small stuff. After a day like today I think about my goals and plans for the future and it all seems further away.

Ok, so here's what I need to do. Pick my butt up and move forward. Yes, I ate too much/too many calories/points. Yes, I felt/feel stressed but is eating going to fix that? NO! I am done eating for the day - I had more than enough to physically fuel my body - my next meal is breakfast. A new meal and a new day. I can make the choice to do better and I will. My plan for tomorrow is 3 small meals, 120oz of water and my 7 minutes of marching along with 25 squats. I know what I need to do and I WILL do it. It's a choice. I will make the right choices. If my head decides to try and take control of my stomach I will politely thank it for inserting the insanity and then dismiss it. I will ask myself, "Are you REALLY hungry?" If I still answer yes, I will drink water first then wait 20 minutes. If I'm still hungry then perhaps I need a small snack. If not - it's the squirrels chattering again. In Overeaters Anonymous they say the squirrels is the insanity of the disease that you listen to. I've always remembered that and always refer to my crazy thinking as the squirrels. :)

I have come so far already and accomplished so much, I refuse to ruin this chance I have at a real, normal life. This is my time to shine. My time to find out who Jennifer is. I will conquer this, I will reach my goals and NOTHING will stop me. There will be hard times like today and bumps in the road but I will continue moving forward. I CAN and WILL do this!!

So with all that being said - I am off to shower and then get ready for bed. Being able to shower daily is a luxury for me now. There was a time in my life when showering was not a daily thing. As embarassing as that is to admit. Being close to 700 pounds made cleaning myself difficult and add the depression factor to that, I sometimes just didn't care. Now almost 200 pounds later - I love sitting in the shower on my shower chair - letting the warm water run over me, soaping up with pretty smelling shower gels. It's small things like that - when I stop to remember where I was make the extra food just not worth it. I need to remember that next time. okay, enough ramble. My Bath & Body Works Sweet Pea shower gel is waiting! Stay tuned....

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Big Ol' Bunch of Blah!

Thursday, June 16th 2011
Blah! I don't know if, BLAH, is a real word but it sure does describe a lot for me right now. I feel BLAH, I look BLAH and well you know - blah, blah, blah! It's a terribly dreary, rainy day and my mood suits the weather well. I have felt anxious and depressed most of the day - funny, my last blog post bragged about being panic free. I must have jinxed myself. I can't say that I've had a panic attack just a lot of anxiety. I know what set it off too. I woke up to the phone ringing this morning and I went to reach for it and kind of pulled a muscle in my chest/shoulder area. Nothing serious just an, "Ouch, I moved wrong!" kind of thing - then that sent my mind reeling convinced I was having a heart attack. It's one of those times where logic says, I'm not but my head says OH MY GOD YOU'RE DYING!!. Of course, instead of listening to logic, I listen to my head.

It's thundering now - nothing major, just some rumbles. I have to admit I have come to enjoy thunderstorms more this year than ever. Living in a building with a generator is nice! :) S texted me this morning to let me know her Dr's appointment was yesterday instead of today and missed it - she rescheduled for next week. Still praying things go well for her. After waking up and feeling anxious I didn't exercise like I had planned - I was afraid and let that fear dictate my actions. Instead I just laid in bed and stared out the window. Waiting. BLAH!! Finally around 1pm I decided enough was enough - I got up and fixed a turkey sandwich, my first meal of the day. When I get anxious I tend to not eat then when the anxiety passes I am starving and ready to eat everything in sight - not good. I ate and then did my 25 squats. I do them the way I saw the man on Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition do them. He starts in a sitting position on a chair and then stands and sits without using his hands to help. I get to 10 then start getting winded - but you really can feel the "burn" in your legs after just 25. I really hope all these little exercises will help me get stronger. I have decided to add 2 minutes to the marching and 10 to the squats for next week. I have to admit, I am losing motivation to exercise. My body isn't enjoying it and well, I don't like it either. BUT...I'm not going to reach my goals by just sitting here wishing things would change. The only way to change is to get up and make the changes. No one said this was going to be easy but it sure is worth it. When I feel the sand between my toes and the sun on my face and smell the ocean water - I won't every doubt if it was worth it. I'll KNOW!!

So I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition this week and WOW, how inspiring. That guy looked great. I loved the part when he was on the floor, sweating profusly saying he couldn't do it and was going to vomit - the trainer, Chris got in his face and was telling him he could do it and to not give up. He got him a waste basket and told him to go ahead and vomit and keep moving! I really need someone like that in my life. During the course of the show the guy confided that he had been sexually abused as a child and had began turning to food to cope. I started thinking about my past and how similar it was to this mans. I was physically and sexually abused by my Father from as early as I can remember until about 6 months before my parents divorced when I was 12. The physical abuse started much later probably around the age of  8 or 9 - about the time when I started fighting back and became resistant to the sexual abuse. Let me clarify, I was never ok with the sexual abuse, I didn't like it but being so young and scared I didn't know what would happen if I did fight back. When I did begin fighting back I would get hit and slapped - once I got kicked in the back, down a flight of stairs while he was wearing steel toed boots. I don't remember the actual fall but I do remember laying at the bottom of the basement stairs unable to move. My Mom wasn't at home at the time and my Dad told me if I didn't get up and "act right" by the time my Mom got home, he'd kill her. Naturally I was scared thinking he actually would do it so I got up and went along with the story of - I was climbing a tree in the neighbors yard and fell out, landing on my back. I remember after the abuse which usually took place at my Grandparents house, my Dad would always take me to a fast food restaurant to get me  to stop crying or to just shut up. I remember many times at school dreading the end of the day and having to go home. At lunch I would eat my normal serving of food then stay in the cafeteria at recess and eat an extra helping or two almost everyday. The lunch lady and I became pals and she would feed me well. Food very quickly turned into a comfort for me.  Even after the abuse ended and my Dad was no longer a part of my life I continued to drown my confused feelings in food. Even today, now - when I think about the past, I feel my hunger creeping in. I know it's not the actual food I crave but the comfort it gave me.

Talking about the past is scary. Not many people know about the abuse. Everyone always thought of my Dad as a good guy. Even to this day just this past weekend as a matter of fact, I got a message on Facebook from someone I went to school with who knows my Dad and his current wife/family. She was letting me know my Dad had broken his hip and was in the hospital - the words she used we're almost as if she was trying to shame me for not speaking to him in 20 some years but I'm sure she doesn't know the reasons behind it - I can guarantee he didn't tell anyone and I didn't feel as if it was any of her business, so I didn't either. I thanked her for letting me know and told her I hope things went well for him then left it at that.  It didn't effect me one way or another - I was surprised at my lack of emotion towards it. A couple of years ago I'd have been truly upset by not only hearing his name but by having to think about him. Now, I feel nothing. I try to be a good Christian and in trying, I do not wish ill well on anyone - even him. I guess that's progress, right? Not sure.

The storm is over but the sky is dark and looks like more rain/thunder is on the way. I am going to dig through the kitchen and see what I can throw together for dinner. Tonight is movie night, I hope it won't be another stinker like Super 8 turned out to be. Blah! :) Stay tuned...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Short n' Sweet!

Wednesday, June 16th 2011

I have been panic free for the last 2 days - what a miracle! Thank you, God! Funny thing though, as I began to type this and I remembered that, I felt a bit anxious! Ha, how funny - luckily that feeling passed without further incident! It was another one of those, "okay" days. But hey, I like those days compared to bad days. I feel sleepy now - I had planned to blog about the show I watched, Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition but I think I am too sleepy to put my thoughts together and have them make sense!! I did 7 minutes of marching in place this morning followed by 25 squats this afternoon. My legs are sore and I feel like I weigh twice as much as I do - I guess that's normal for just starting out. I took 2 Advil - now I am going to load some YouTube videos to watch while I fall asleep.

Lunch: 1 Chicken Breast with sauteed green pepper and red onion, 1tbsp sour cream, 1/4 c cheddar cheese, and 2 flour tortillas. Water + Multi Vitamin!
Dinner: 1 Chicken Breast, 1c Three Pepper & Onions, 1C Brocolli, 1C Whole Wheat Pasta, 1/4C FF Italian Dressing. Water.
Snack: 1/2C FF Vanilla Yogurt and 3/4C Kashi Heart to Heart cereal. Water.

The best friend has a Dr's appointment in the AM - I hope she gets some answers and pray nothing serious is wrong. I will be up early doing the AM exercising, waiting to hear from her and hopefully getting groceries as well. Mmm, the smell of summer rain and the sound of thunder - what perfect sleeping weather. I haven't use the A/C in 4 days now - LOVE IT!! Stay tuned....

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

7 Down!!

 Tuesday, June 14th 2011 - 12:22pm

Seven minutes of marching in place - done! Hard and kinda sad to think I'm so tired after just seven minutes. But, progress. Last week I didn't even have the willingness to get up and do it. This week - twice already. Yesterday I did six minutes, today, so far I've done 7 minutes. 11, 11:05, 11:10, 11:15, 11:20, 11:25 and 11:30 - each time for one minute. The last three I was dragging, I have to admit. I just kept telling myself, "Keep pushing Jennifer, you can do it!" and "DON'T GIVE UP!!"

Now I'm laying here resting and pretty worn out - I'm embarrassed to admit how tired I am but yanno, this is my reality and God willing, I will NOT be in this position forever. I'm working on changing whats not working and being honest about myself and my situation is part of that change. Before I would lie or change the subject when I got uncomfortable in talking about myself, my weight and my situation. Avoiding got me to where I am today - no more of that. I'm facing it head on!! Perhaps someone else in my very same or similar situation will read this someday and it can encourage or give them hope that change is possible. I can't wait to read this post a year from now and see how my life has changed!

I'm still deciding on whether to do another 7 minutes this afternoon or that would be too much too fast. I guess I will wait until this afternoon and see how my body feels. I have a feeling Advil will be my BFF for the next few days! :) Stay tuned...

Long Time, No Blog!

Tuesday, June 14th 2011

Long time no blog! I can't believe it's been 3 days since my last blog. I started a blog entry  on Sunday but Windows updated and I clicked to restart before I remembered I hadn't hit publish. Blah - the whole thing was lost. So here I am, Tuesday morning or Monday night depending on how you look at it but it's early Tuesday morning here on the East Coast.

Let's see - Saturday was a truly awesome day! S got here around 5:30pm and we sat and chatted for a bit then ordered dinner. We had pizza and I am proud to say I only had 2 slices - there was no obsessing over having less or more and I was satisfied. I also didn't over indulge in alcohol either. I had 2 glasses of Sprite/Coconut Rum and 1/2 a glass of Mudslide. Wow, is the Mudslide STRONG!! It was good but has a very strong vodka taste as the first taste. After the vodka taste leaves you taste the good chocolate milk flavor. I wasn't drunk or tipsy even - just relaxed. We sat and talked until 11pm when her husband called to ask when she was coming home. I didn't think about my panic or anything stressful all evening and I felt good, relaxed and HAPPY!! I really think having a girls night did me better than any prescription a Dr could prescribe. We're already planning our next girls night! :) I'm excited already! It felt like we were back in high school again, hanging out in her bedroom, talking about all the kids at school we liked (or didn't like). Back then we were inseparable. Our Mom's always bought us the same Christmas gifts because they knew we'd see each others and want it. There is a part of me that is sad we missed out on almost 15 years of each others lives but there is also a bigger part of me that feels blessed to have her back in my life.  So after S left around 11:30 or so I think I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow and slept for 8 hours straight. My poor cat was laying in front of me licking my face, almost begging for breakfast - or I'm sure I'd have slept longer.

Sunday was a bit of a bad day. My chest, stomach and back started itching and when I got warm or my skin got warm it would get red and feel even more itchy like something stinging me. That threw me into a panic wondering what was wrong. There was no rash just itching. I scratched my stomach in one area until it bled. Oops! It wasn't until Sunday even that I realized - all of the areas I was itching, I had sprayed a new perfume directly onto my skin. I showered and put lotion on, it still itched but much less. As I type, it is feeling MUCH better.

Monday was a very good day for me in the area of weight loss. I had been dragging my feet about exercising - finding a physical therapy plan to start my own rehabilitation. So today I decided enough is enough - I am still planning on going to the beach on June 5th 2011 and vlogging from there as my 1 year goal - both of my best friends have agreed to go with me to help me celebrate - SOOO there is no time to waste. I spoke with a nurse Monday morning, not treating me, just as a friend - she said the Dr she works for recommends marching in place to his morbidly obese patients as a beginning movement exercise. So that is just what I did. I marched in place 1 minute with 5 minute rests in between for 30 minutes - that averaged 6 minutes of exercise for 1/2 hour. I did that twice on Monday so 12 minutes of marching total. I know that doesn't seem like much but for not being active at all - it was a huge step forward. My upper legs are sore from using the muscles. I plan on keeping this routine except doing 12 minutes in the morning and 12 in the afternoon for the rest of the week. Next Monday I will move to 2 minutes every 5 minutes - 12 minutes every half hour. I am also going to pull out my hand weights and do some arm exercises as well.

My food for Monday was OK, not horrible but not great. I didn't eat breakfast. I had 1/2c spiral pasta w. 2tbsp italian dressing for lunch, dinner was 3 small blueberry pancakes w/ sugar free syrup and then around 11pm I had a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with fat free cheddar cheese and 1tbsp of fat free mayo. I had water to drink with each meal as well. I'm running low on my breakfast/lunch foods - my cousin is going shopping for me this week so I should get back on track normally soon!

Sending love and prayers for all - Until later....

Friday, June 10, 2011

Friday, Friday!

Friday, June 10th 2011

Today was an okay day for me - nothing awesome, nothing horrible just, okay! Okay is good though - compared to the rough week I've had panic wise. I woke up and knew I had to get myself in gear, vacuum and just straighten up in general. Living alone, nothing gets very messy except the mountains of cat hair I vacuum up every few days. I swear, the cat should be hairless by now. I thought about taking a picture of all the cat hair I sucked up today then thought - naw, that's a little too creepy! LOL!!! I have a canister vacuum, bagless I guess you call it and the canister was full from just the livingroom and bedroom. I kid you not! Anyhow - when I woke up I started dreading having to get up. I still have it in the back of my head that my panic attacks are just heart problems in disguise. I started thinking, "What if my heart stops? What if I die?" Then I thought...STOP IT JENNIFER!! GET UP AND GET BUSY!! And I did just that - and guess what? I'm still alive! Yippie! It didn't take me long to get the place in tip top shape. I made a sweep of the livingroom area and kitchen then the bedroom. All I have left to do is the bathroom - which I will more than likely do in the morning. Then I will shower and relax until my friend gets here. I'm a little worried about that - her coming over. Not her, personally just having someone here - but I am glad it's her. As I said before we've been best friends for almost 30 years (we never stopped being best friends even when we drifted apart!) and I feel comfortable with her. She is bringing drinks and we will be ordering dinner in. That's another part that worries me. We'll probably be having pizza since I don't know any other type of food that delivers in my area. I read the nutritional facts for the pizza at the particular place I'm thinking of and with just regular cheese and pepperoni it's 215 calories per slice. Not horrible but not the greatest either.  I kind of have a loose plan of eating for tomorrow:

1/2c vanilla yogurt w/ 3/4c Kashi Heart to Heart cereal for breakfast 210 calories and for lunch a tortilla w/ deli turkey and a wedge of Laughing Cow Cheese 235 calories for a total of 445 calories pre pizza. Then if I have 2 slices of pizza 430 calories that would take me to 875 calories so I might be okay with throwing together a side salad for us here and serving it with the pizza -  but that's not counting drinks. I have no clue the calorie content of  a Mudslide or Coconut Rum and Sprite!?! This is the part that stresses me out - I don't want to be pre-occupied with the calories and food all night. I have to admit I am really looking forward to having a few drinks though. As sad as this might sound, I have never had friends over or been out for drinks. I've had a wine cooler or a glass of wine at a holiday but have never even been tipsy before. Is it wrong to want to see what being drunk feels like? I know it won't become a habit as alcoholism runs in the family and I just don't have the money in my budget to buy alcohol on a regular basis. I rather buy candles! ;) LOL!! But anyhow - I figured it's safe to do it here in my apartment so no fear of looking like a complete ASS and I can just fall into bed if I need to. Pictures will be take for sure, to document the occasion!

I felt myself getting anxious a few times today - one small panic attack that only lasted a few minutes and as I type this I can feel a small amount of panic creeping in sooooo - I am off to crochet to take my mind off of it. We're in the middle of a pretty big thunderstorm so I will cut this short and write more tomorrow. Until then....