Hi! My name is Jen and I am on a journey. Over the next year I will be blogging my journey of weight loss and self discovery. I'm not even sure where to begin - as there is much to tell. I guess I will start off with some of the most important facts about my life - "the rest of the story" as Paul Harvey would say, will be told as I go. I am 35 years old and although I do not know my current weight, my highest weight in July 2010 was around 675 pounds. Over the last 10 months my life has changed dramatically - not just in the area of weight loss but in almost every aspect. Since July 2010 I have lost 170 pounds, although I suspect gained back 10 to 20 in the last 4 months. (I will be doing an official weigh in soon - so I will update then!) Prior to July 17th 2010 I had spent 4 years in my bedroom, in bed, only leaving the bed to use the restroom (which was about 5 feet from the bed!). Those four years are like a blur to me - while I remember it all, a part of me doesn't remember it either. Maybe I detached myself from the situation because it was painful and hard to deal with emotionally? I'm not sure. Part of the reason I did not leave my room/bed was because of my weight but the biggest reason was because I had convinced myself that if I left something horrible would happen - although I had nor do I have now, any idea what that horrible thing was. I know now that I am agoraphobic, I have severe panic attacks as well as depression.
The Change!
On July 17th my Mom (who was my caretaker in everyway) became unable to ambulate the steps to our 2nd floor bedroom. She had been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease two years prior and her health was taking a downward spiral. So, we moved our bedrooms downstairs and made the livingroom into a bedroom. That day - leaving the familiarity of my bedroom was one of the hardest things I had dealt with - but not nearly as hard as what the next 2 months held in store. Our home had become close to unlivable because in my Mom's poor health and me not leaving my room, there was no cleaning or repairing taking place. The state of the downstairs area was overwhelming. I tried my best to clean the kitchen that evening - but having not been out of bed in so long added to my weight doing much to make a difference was close to impossible. I knew my Mom was slipping away from me - she was getting confused a lot and just wasn't herself. The next day around 10pm after a trip to the bathroom, my Mom fell. I knew right away there was something more wrong than just a fall. For the sake of rambling I will cut out some of the details but 3 days later after being admitted to the hospital she was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma that had metastasized to just about every organ in her body including her heart, bones and brain. After surgery to repair a broken shoulder (a tumor on her arm caused the bone to break) she was sent to a rehabilitation hospital. While there she suffered a stroke and it was later confirmed the cancer had spread to her brain causing bleeding with seizures and strokes. She was moved to a hospice hospital where she passed away on September 4th 2010 - less than two months after being diagnosed.
Needless to say this was all so overwhelming to me. I was losing my Mom but if that wasn't hard enough to deal with I was left trying to cope with caring for myself and wondering how I would survive with no income and unable to work. The day after my Mom was admitted to the hospital my cousin V (I will only use initials for the sake of their privacy as I have not asked permission to use their names.) showed up at my door with groceries and offering to help clean. I was in shock - I had not seen V in years, literally. I was embarrassed about not only my living situation but my own appearance. I will just say that at close to 700 pounds hygiene was often put on the back burner. V insisted and assured me she was family and there to help and to let her help! And that she did. She called my cousin L to bring supplies and over the next 5 hours the house became livable again. While she was there we talked frankly about the situation and how I was going to have to step up and start taking care of myself and that started with my out of control weight. She offered the help if I was willing to take it. Scared and knowing I had no alternative I leaped at the offer. The next day she grocery shopped for me and brought me Weight Watcher material so I could begin an eating plan. Along with the help of L, they got the ball rolling for me to apply for disability and applications for apartments. At that time I was still hoping my Mom was going to be "ok" or at least I would have some time with her out of the hospital. I think I was in denial about that but I never stopped thinking and dreaming about the life we'd have after she was healthy again, not until the night she passed away.
By August the weight was quickly falling off of me. I think most of the initial weight loss was water weight as well as the limited movement I was doing was more than I had done in literally years and enough to speed up my stalled metabolism. I was able to move better, walking was still difficult but was less of a struggle than the month before. The free clinic in my town agreed to make a home visit to give me a physical which was needed for my disability claim. By the Grace of God alone, I was healthy. My only side effect from my morbid obesity (I hate that term!!!) is neuropathy in my feet which I still have no answers as to why I have it. My blood work was all normal including cholesterol, glucose and whatever else they tested for. September was hard to deal with - my Mom passed away on the 4th...the little bit of money I had from her Social Security check was paying for the utility bills that month but then I was completely broke without a penny to my name. I had applied for an apartment through HUD but normally there is a long waiting list - another gift from God - the last week of September I received a phone call to inform me that there was an apartment available for me in a very nice neighborhood. It was an efficiency and my rent would be $25 per month since I had no income - which my family agreed to cover the cost of. I literally packed the things I needed along with the few clothes and keepsakes I had and for the first time in over four years - left my house. I was not only leaving the house I was leaving the ONLY home I had ever known. I had lived in that house through good and bad for 34 years. For the 2nd time in two months I felt like a piece of me was dying. I lost a piece of myself when my Mom died, now another piece was gone ..... my home.
My apartment is very nice - small - but nice! I am on the 3rd floor and my windows look out into a field, woods and lots of mother nature which gave me some comfort as it similar to the setting back home. My initial adjustment seemed easy. My cat kept me company as I worked on getting into a routine of cleaning, cooking and becoming a real adult on my own. I was approved for SSI not long after my move which was a huge blessing. Then December came - facing my first major holiday without my Mom proved to be more than I could handle on my own. I slipped back into the food which was an old comfortable friend. I started ordering candy and junk food from an online drugstore and ordering pizza 2 or 3 times a week. This continued into the new year while swearing to family and friends I had no idea why I wasn't losing any more weight. I lied to them. For that I am embarrassed and ashamed but I am telling the truth now in hopes of never repeating the same insanity that I went through.
There is much more to my story and more about the journey that lies ahead for me but now - it is time for dinner. An abstinent, healthy, weighed and measured meal. :) I will continue where I left off soon! Until then...
No comments:
Post a Comment