Emotional Hunger!

Saturday, June 18th 2011

I missed writing yesterday - I intended to do it a few times then got distracted and just neglected to. Shame on me! Friday was a good day. My cousin did my grocery shopping and well, the compulsive overeater (lil fatty) in me always feels more calm when I know there is enough food in the cupboards. It's funny because I was in no way out of food - I was just out of my usual food that I like to eat everyday.  My cousin brought another cousin and her two small children with  her to visit. I had to admit, being around small children sometimes makes me feel self conscious. Kids are so honest sometimes and I guess that's where the saying, "Out of the mouths of babes!" came from - I'm always waiting for them to ask why I'm so fat or some question that will make me want to crawl into a shell of embarrassment. I haven't seen these two young cousins in years, literally. They are 9 and 7. I have talked to them on the phone and they've seen pictures of me but not in person since the 9 year old was about 3 or 4. I was so shocked at how sweet and loving they were towards me. I wasn't prepared when the 9 year old - a boy, hugged and kissed me hello. They both gave me a hug and kiss goodbye as well. They are very well mannered little kids. It was nice visiting with them.

While my cousin, L was here she gave me a huge compliment. She walked in and said OMG LOOK AT YOU!! I hadn't seen her for about a month (the last time she brought me groceries) and according to her the weight I've lost in that month is extremely noticeable. I can't lie, that felt AWESOME to hear. I can tell the saggy skin on my stomach and  even my face seems smaller but it makes it feel even more real to hear from someone else. Now here is where the strangeness comes in at. I am scared to death!! I'm afraid of losing weight, of being 'normal'. I have spent so many years being big and hiding from the world that now that I am losing weight and will soon be able to do things like the average person - I am terrified. People will expect things from me, I won't be 'Jennifer the girl that's too fat to work' or 'Jennifer the girl that can't go to family functions because she's too fat'. What if I fail? What if I'm not good enough? Smart enough? Or just ...... enough? All these fears played on my mind all day Friday and all day Saturday. I wrestled with emotional (head) hunger all day along and YES, I over ate. This is the part of my journey I hate admitting to but if I didn't - it wouldn't be a true blog of my ups and downs through this journey of finding myself. So without further ado, here is what I ate today. It started out good then went down hill by 4pm.

Breakfast - Hungry Girl Smores Oatmeal
Lunch - 3 Turkey Hot Dogs (plain), 1c FF Cottage Cheese w/ blueberries, strawberries, a peach and blackberries (pictured above).
Dinner: Waffle Dip (2 waffles, 1/4c egg omelet,  1 slice ff cheese, 2 turkey sausage links), 1/4c SF  Syrup, 2 extra Turkey Sausage Links, 4 Chocolate Chips Cookies (90 calories per cookie!!! ACK!)
After Dinner - 3 Slices of Wheat Bread Toast w/ butter and SF Strawberry Jam, 2 String Cheese and a Fiber One Bar
11pm 'Snack': Hungry Girl SMores Oatmeal
For a grand total of.... 2,450 calories! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am SO embarrassed to have to admit that. Yes, it could have been WAY worse. Back in the day I'd eat whole pizzas and 2 liters of soda without blinking an eye. But today, this is horrifying to me. I had planned on just not admitting it but what is that going to do? I ate it - it's not like not talking about it will make the calories roll back. My head screamed hunger all day - even when I ate the 'after dinner' meal about 30 minutes after my dinner. My stomach was full, I felt the fullness yet still pushed more food in my mouth in an attempt to shut my brain up. I didn't work and even as I lay here now, physically full my head is ticking, wondering what else I can eat. I refuse to eat any more thought. DAMMIT!! I hate times like this. I know its the stress that is making me feel hungry, I know it all too well. I wish I could just deal with life normally and not want to eat my face off over everything, big and small stuff. After a day like today I think about my goals and plans for the future and it all seems further away.

Ok, so here's what I need to do. Pick my butt up and move forward. Yes, I ate too much/too many calories/points. Yes, I felt/feel stressed but is eating going to fix that? NO! I am done eating for the day - I had more than enough to physically fuel my body - my next meal is breakfast. A new meal and a new day. I can make the choice to do better and I will. My plan for tomorrow is 3 small meals, 120oz of water and my 7 minutes of marching along with 25 squats. I know what I need to do and I WILL do it. It's a choice. I will make the right choices. If my head decides to try and take control of my stomach I will politely thank it for inserting the insanity and then dismiss it. I will ask myself, "Are you REALLY hungry?" If I still answer yes, I will drink water first then wait 20 minutes. If I'm still hungry then perhaps I need a small snack. If not - it's the squirrels chattering again. In Overeaters Anonymous they say the squirrels is the insanity of the disease that you listen to. I've always remembered that and always refer to my crazy thinking as the squirrels. :)

I have come so far already and accomplished so much, I refuse to ruin this chance I have at a real, normal life. This is my time to shine. My time to find out who Jennifer is. I will conquer this, I will reach my goals and NOTHING will stop me. There will be hard times like today and bumps in the road but I will continue moving forward. I CAN and WILL do this!!

So with all that being said - I am off to shower and then get ready for bed. Being able to shower daily is a luxury for me now. There was a time in my life when showering was not a daily thing. As embarassing as that is to admit. Being close to 700 pounds made cleaning myself difficult and add the depression factor to that, I sometimes just didn't care. Now almost 200 pounds later - I love sitting in the shower on my shower chair - letting the warm water run over me, soaping up with pretty smelling shower gels. It's small things like that - when I stop to remember where I was make the extra food just not worth it. I need to remember that next time. okay, enough ramble. My Bath & Body Works Sweet Pea shower gel is waiting! Stay tuned....