Before I even made breakfast I made a phone call to my Dr's office - he is a great Doctor but along with being great, extremely busy, thus hard to get a hold of. It's been 2 weeks since my home health started and I've seen nurses twice but have yet to see him or get any info on medication, etc. My luck - the nurse I spoke with is on vacation until next week and the Dr himself is not in the office today - she told me to call back tomorrow. Lordy! I know - I need to have patience. Perhaps this is something God is trying to tell me. All things in His time and will. I just really want to get the ball rolling with physical therapy, medication and mental health therapy so I can start moving forward in strides instead of baby steps. But again, everything in HIS will and time. *Remember that, Jennifer!!!*
So I left off with December being a hard month - emotionally. That spilled over into January and February. Those months the depression was worse than the panic. By the time March rolled around I was eating better - the bingeing stopped and the panic worsened and lasted through May. Much of that time is a blur to me. I spent literally all day, every day in panic mode wondering if I was dying, staring out my window wondering if anything would ever change for me. I was so far into the panic I would even forget to eat at times, sometimes a day or two at a time. That triggered stomach problems that only worsened my panic - thinking I was having a heart attack. In the middle of May my panic attacks kind of "came to a head" I guess you would say. I had the worst one I have ever had. It lasted 3 hours and I was close to calling 911. I sat through it though and after it passed I realized, I didn't die....amazing! With each panic attack after that I tried to remind myself of that one and how bad it was and how I lived through it - chances are I will live through them ALL. Since then my panic attacks have been less severe - still very present but better.
So - here I am today. Determine and ready to move forward with my life. I know my journey is not going to be easy but nothing in life is ever easy. Life is life and while I've had a lot of tough stuff to deal with over the last year and through out my life, I have a lot to be thankful for. God has blessed me with a roof over my head, food to fuel my body, clothes to cover my big ol' butt and the knowledge that with Him...ALL things are possible. Over the next year I am going to work hard (I won't stop after a year, but this particular project is 365 days long!!) and accomplish goals I am going to set for myself. Some of the goals I already have in mind - some need to be thought out still, all of them will be listed here in this blog along with the dates I will accomplish them by. Life is meant to be lived. Life is too short to sit and waste time wondering, "what if". God has a plan and purpose for my life and serving Him and doing His will is extremely important to me. Sitting here in my apartment alone all day, every day is not full-filling His plan for my life. I will walk the path He lays out for me and not question the direction - I will listen to Him instead of myself. He knows best for me what and where I need to be!
With that being said...it is now after 1pm and I am still munching on breakfast - perhaps a sign I am not a fan of the cinnamon oatmeal yogurt dish, lol. I need to vacuum and clean my bathroom today - so that is what I am off to do before making a better tasting lunch! I shall return. Until then....
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