Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Rainy Day - Tuesday, June 7th 2011

Blah, what a rainy day! Another morning waking up with panic - sometimes I feel as if I am complaining too much but that isn't my intention. I'm just journaling what my days are like so I can look back and remember how bad and be grateful when I am in a better place. It all started last night.  I was having a really good evening, no panic - relaxing and crocheting. Then an obnoxiously loud alarm started sounding on my floor. At first I thought it was in my apartment but after a trip to the front door I could tell it was coming from the hallway. I have been through a couple of fire alarms and this was different. When the fire alarm goes off the fire alarm boxes in each apart is set off with flashing lights and a pre-recorded voice explaining an emergency has been reported and to leave the building without using the elevators - but none of that happened last night. I sat on the edge of my bed, heart pounding, wondering what to do. I went to the front door and opened it but the alarm noise was even louder out there so I shut the door and came back to my room. After a few minutes of panicking - and wild thoughts running through my head of having to leave my apartment or worse yet, the building - I heard voices in the hall. I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying over the alarm but I did hear banging on a door and they were yelling for someone in that apartment to open the door. Eventually the alarm went off and I got enough courage to go to the door and peek into the hall again. Down the hall a few doors a group of people had congregated so I asked what was wrong. One very nice man told me that C, a very nice elderly lady, had pulled her emergency call alarm but they couldn't get her to open the door and they smelled smoke. There was choas and panic amongst the group of people. One elderly woman said, "C drinks and smokes in there and that just scares me to death!" Another woman said, "I smell smoke, they're going to make us leave, I just know it!" A man, the more calmer, cooler, voice of reason offered, "Well, the floor won't catch fire...that's why the walls are bricked. So there's no need to panic just yet!" The fire department arrived followed by EMS and while I don't know the details, from what I gathered C was smoking at the time when she fell and hit her head catching a pile of newspapers on fire. The fire department put the very small fire out and aired out the apartment. C was taken to the ER for a head wound and hurt arm. (I saw the apartment manager this morning and she didn't know about it but she said she saw C's friend when she dropped off C's rent check and she didn't mention anything so she didn't think it must of been anything serious...thank goodness!).

After everything got back to normal I realized how panicked I was and how mad at myself I was for letting myself get that way. Everything ran through my head from having to leave the building if there was no elevators working - having to use the stairs. Where would I go, what would I do? Just a million irrational thoughts at once. I was so mad at myself - here I was perfectly fine when poor C was the one who needed to be thought of, not myself and my own selfishness. I still am mad at myself. I guess the best thing to do is ask God to remove that defect from me and help me work on becoming less selfish and more aware of others.

So, I have been trying to write this entry for hours now - literally. I began around 1pm and it's now 4:15 as I type this. I have been struggling with panic and obsessive thoughts today - my worst day in a couple of weeks. I haven't done anything at all day except panic. I did manage to make a a tortilla with turkey and cheese for lunch - but have been too panicked to get out of bed let alone fix food or clean. Sometimes it feels like this is all too much to handle. Sometimes I wonder, why me? Sometimes I wish, just for one day, I could be "normal". I did call the Dr's office again today. The first nurse had no knowledge of my situation and said the Dr didn't make home visits. Not even five minutes after I hung up another nurse called me back saying he was trying to work me into the schedule but his schedule was tight right now and the best she could do was pass along my message. AHH! I'm so aggravated. I completely understand he is busy - he is a highly respected Dr in my town with a lot of patients and responsibilities but if I could at least get an answer to when I might get to see him, that would be a start. He does have a nurse practitioner that works with him, I'd even settle for seeing her. The RN's I've seen the last two weeks from the home health agency have been wonderful to me and I am so grateful for them both but they can't prescribe me medication or move forward with physical therapy until I see the Dr and he gives the "ok" for it. I feel like I'm not moving forward and part of that is my own fault, I know. I'm just having a bad day, I'm sorry for complaining so much.

I am going to do dishes and clean the bathroom - at least try to salvage a bit of the day so I won't have to say I wasted the entire day. Then - tomorrow will be a new day, a better day, I pray. Until then...

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't help but think of this post last night. I was at the pharmacy and all of a sudden became paralyzed with fear for no apparent reason. I felt like my legs refused to move any further into the store. I wanted so badly to run out of there screaming. But I had to push my way through it and literally force my legs to move. Don't ever let panic make you feel selfish or guilty. It's a real disorder. A real disability. And you want to make sure that you are overcoming your disorder for you and the improvement of you, not because you feel guilty or a burden. (I know you know this already :) ) hugs and love to you!

    ReplyDelete